Part Three: Hospital Hoedown/ Emergency Room #1

“I can’t catch my breath, and I feel really dizzy,” I told the receptionist behind the desk in the urgent care wing.

“Fill this out and we’ll be with you soon,” she responded and pushed a clipboard of paperwork toward me. I found a seat and sank into it. After an unpleasant but not terribly long wait, I was called into a room to be examined. 

I was given a series of questions, tests, and X-rays over the course of the evening. The doctor performed a few tests specifically to see what made me dizzy and what didn’t. She seemed to be getting satisfaction beyond the professional level from this, but I get it; it was hilarious. I was a Weeble that wobbled and then did fall down. Of course everything came back normal. The doctor said I was likely suffering from vertigo and wrote me a prescription for some pills that would ease the dizziness. I called my mom to inform her that I was not dying—as she had assumed earlier in the day. I felt relieved but not overly eased. 

I returned to my friend’s house, slumped on his couch and stayed there for the remainder of my trip. I was fielding a constant flow of texts and calls regarding my availability to hang-out before I left the state, but I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to the inquiries. I ended up going with an old reliable: I was feeling under the weather. The friend who I was staying with was happy to watch tv and relax on the couch with me. We had already had an eventful weekend and a bit of rest was welcomed by all. Thank god, because I was starting to wonder how I would survive a two hour drive to the airport and a 3 hour flight home feeling the way I did.

Through a combination of breathing exercises, pills, and good old fashioned white knuckling it, I made it home. This was the true beginning of my panic cycle. My body had found a way to incarnate my anxiety in a way that grabbed my attention. It had discovered the panic attack. It was as if before this my body simply poked and prodded to try to get my attention, but I would brush off its advances like a mosquito. But the panic button… well, that button worked.