You can sleep when you’re dead: by Ashley Sinclair

My Relationship With Anxiety: It’s Complicated.

Every experience with anxiety may be similar or different. I hope my experience can help you relate or we can help each other.

 The clock says 3:01 am. “Ok, so 2 hours and 59 minutes until my alarm goes off,” I tell myself. I toss and turn and eventually end up laying on my back staring up at the popcorn ceiling to try and make images out of the pattern to stop my mind from trembling.

 This was just like any other night, really. Honestly, I think my sleepless nights started when I was about 7. I formed almost OCD-like habits where I would make sure at exactly 9:30 pm, I was fast asleep. At 6:30 pm, I would make sure I had everything ready for the next day: my backpack was packed with tomorrow’s necessary school supplies, my alarm set, my clothes picked out, and my lunch packed. At 8:30 pm, I would get into my pajamas, into my bed, turn on my TV to tune into “Timon and Pumbaa,” “Pepper Ann” at 9 pm, and by 9:30, the TV sleep timer would go on and lights out.

 My first anxious thought or feeling that I can recall all started with “Pepper Ann.” When the theme song played at 9 pm, my heart would skip a beat nervously knowing I needed to fall asleep within the next 30 minutes. I have no idea why this was so important to me, but I felt as if I could not perform my best if I did not get an adequate amount of rest. As a 7-year-old, this was a little bit odd.

 Fast forward some years, knowing I still had similar struggles, but my habits started changing. Enter in the good ‘ol college years. Ah, yes. The scent of stale beer and more sleepless nights. At least I was not alone on the sleepless nights part anymore. Here, I felt more accepted, as if my sleep anxiety (is that a thing?) was more normal, hence my anxiety about sleeping lessened.

 I would have “waffle ceiling talks” with my dorm roommate. (Our ceiling looked like waffles/no more popcorn ceiling.) Or, I would chat or text others. I would maybe read or do homework (emphasis on maybe). Sometimes I would go to the library that was open until 2 am. Also, this is college, so let’s be real: I went out sometimes too. Really, I had plenty of options, so it seemed as if everything would be just fine. The quote I lived by was, “You can sleep when you’re dead.”